I was going through people's away messages and you know I read your away message and I had this yearning to see you one last time; I just wanted you to see me and know that I hold no hatred for you even though I am confused about some things that occurred between us; I want you to know that for some reason that I can't explain and that bothers me to no end - I will always think about you and you will be in my thoughts years from now I'm sure. There was something that I never told you and even if I tell you I'm not sure it would make a difference - but something happened one night. It was one of those nights when I was just expecting a normal evening - we would hang out and do what we do. And I think that during the night what we did turned from just sex to something else...God, it hurts to admit this. My pride gets in the way of so many things and sometimes I think that had I not let my pride get in the way of things between you and I that you and I might still be. I realized that I wasn't angry or really hurt - I just missed you. That is what it had been all along...it was knowing that I would never get to wake up next to you again...
I suppose that perhaps this is why I am glad to be going back to Mooresville; I keep thinking that it will wipe you from my memory. I know that this is cynical but I am never letting myself fall for anyone again because if it hurt to miss you with only having known for such a short time, I can't imagine knowing someone for years at a time. I refuse to let myself be hurt...because it's important you know that you hurt me, but it's more important that I know: I let you do it.
And I don't remember how this all started; I thought I had moved past this but looking back through some of my entries I realized that this hurt me more than I thought. So, I am trying to move past it, but the only way to do that is to write about it and get everything off my chest. So, that is what I am doing...these entries are no longer for you, they're for me...
I'm trying to end this year in the best way possible and I feel that this is the only way to do it. I need to clear things up for myself and begin to understand what it is that I need in my life. You said that you had been hurt but if it's true then how could you in turn, hurt another? I don't understand it myself...I suppose that were I you I might have a better understanding.
But the thing is...the thing that burns: I trusted you. I trusted what you told me and what you SHOWED me. Until you I didn't know that sex could be more than sex...and maybe I'm wrong but I thought you felt that with me too.
You are a good person; I knew it that night I met you...I remember it clearly: you were behind the bar and our eyes just instantly locked, for a moment...but in that moment I knew that you were someone who was honest and genuinely good at heart. So, because of that, I wish you all the happiness in the world. I hope you achieve every goal you've set for yourself. I have a certain feeling that you will...
Goodbye.
*Always.
Caitlin
Sometimes those most worthy of love are not made happy by it. ~Dangeous Liaisons
It is on the strength of observation that one finds a way; so we must dig and delve unceasingly. ~Claude Monet 1840-1926