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November 26, 2007It's hard. Being a military wife. I guess I never thought that it would be easy perse. I just never thought it would be as hard as it has turned out to be. It's sad.
There are so many things that I am angry about. Issues we are having, that normal married couples have. But I feel like I have to put on marriage on hold. I can't bitch about things that need to be sorted out. No, instead I have to be supportive and keep his mind off sad or depressing or unhappy things. Really, that is what I feel like I HAVE to do. It sucks. It really, really sucks. So, I keep bitching to my friends about these issues who in turn are just going to get sick of hearing it and just stop calling me altogether.
I don't know what to do. Things have been so hard right now for me - not just for him. I have two jobs, I'm retaking classes, I'm worrying about Christmas and dividing my time to my family and his family. My dad died last week and he isn't even here to go to the funeral with me. Everything's not just about him. And ever since our relationship started getting serious it seems that is has been about him...since the beginning. Call me selfish. Call me childish. But I'm married and I don't even feel like it.I feel like I am married to myself.
I wrote him an email 3 weeks ago, which he just happened to read today. In which he states I call him a bad husband. I didn't call him a bad husband. I simply said there were things he neglected to think about given his environment. He's in Iraq. I understand there are certain disadvantages to my side of the story here...but just because he is half-way around the world doing God knows what doesn't mean everything we did and stood for before he left goes out the fucking window. He said he didn't entirely understand my email. What the hell does it matter now? I wrote it 3 weeks ago. I can barely even remember what I was bitching about that long ago.
I can't confide in the one person I need to confide in. That's what it comes down to...I have to be a wife without really being a wife. It's unfair. It's painful.
Is this enough?
did you miss?
Sometimes those most worthy of love are not made happy by it. ~Dangeous Liaisons
It is on the strength of observation that one finds a way; so we must dig and delve unceasingly. ~Claude Monet 1840-1926