I guard myself, closely when I first meet someone. I let them see the fun side of me, the funny side of me, the outgoing side that attracts people. I keep everything dark and ugly about myself and my life closed off. I keep it hidden - not forever but just for a while.
Gradually I open up little by little. I accept things as they are even if I am unhappy with them. I do this because ultimately I know nobody is perfect and that when you care for someone you overlook the little things. I open up and I begin to express the way I feel about someone - if I care for them even if I love them...
And every time it turns around to bite me in the ass...
Once I open up it's like everyone else shuts down around me. They guard themselves more closely then I did in the beginning - and for me this is the ultimate insult - because it took everything I had to open myself up and realize that maybe it's okay to be vulnerable...and then when I acknowlegde certain feelings I can't just turn around and turn them off.
But that's what I am doing today. I am not going to be honest and be shunned for it. I have too much to give of myself to deal with that assinine bullshit. So, I won't do it anymore.
If you want me you better fucking prove it to me.
*Always.
Caitlin
Sometimes those most worthy of love are not made happy by it. ~Dangeous Liaisons
It is on the strength of observation that one finds a way; so we must dig and delve unceasingly. ~Claude Monet 1840-1926