I want so badly to let go of the pain I'm in and the anger I have. Because the truth of the matter is that I love you, I don't hate you. How could I? You made me laugh, you made me love, and most of all - you made me happy. I know that I've been cruel and deliberately mean but I kept thinking it'd be easier to hate you. But it isn't - in fact, it's exhausting and dishonest.
I realized something today - happiness doesn't come in a perfect package - sometimes it's torn and smashed. Happiness can't be perfect because life isn't perfect.
I'm trying to understand why you're happier apart from me when I'm much happier with you. Didn't I make you happy? Even if it was only for a moment...
Is that what I get? Is this what I receive from opening myself up and loving?
I can't explain the things I wrote about you except to say that I am only human and that I feel. That feeling includes heartbreak. And it wasn't all you Brad, not entirely anyway. I helped. But there are things you don't know about me; there are things that I haven't told you about why it's so hard for me to open myself up. These reasons are why it's so hard for me to let go of this - let go of the 'you and I' there once was, let go of the pain and the confusion.
There are so many things I wish I could change about the way our relationship was, so many things. But I would never take back the time I had with you...not at all. I wrote about you when you and I first started seeing each other, when I really started to feel something for you:
I always thought of admitting to love as a weakness...showing weakness is being vulnerable and I let myself be that one time with someone, long ago. But it's okay now. It may have been okay all along but I never knew until he came along...
And it's all true, every word of it. You are the first person that I have ever felt anything for beyond simple liking. Maybe that's scary for you - but it's scary for me too. I simply can't understand why you would throw that away to be alone, to be free, to be...without me. I can't.
I still think about you - every night. I think about you with someone else and I nearly come close to crying...that's the one thing I hate about emotions - I hate crying, bleh! Haha! I had to write this in an effort to let go of this lingering feeling I have in my gut - sadness, disappointment, hope? I keep thinking maybe tomorrow you will wake up and want me again - and I hate myself for thinking that, for feeling that.
*Always.
Caitlin
Sometimes those most worthy of love are not made happy by it. ~Dangeous Liaisons
It is on the strength of observation that one finds a way; so we must dig and delve unceasingly. ~Claude Monet 1840-1926