It's been too long since we last talked; I fear that I shall never hear from you again if it isn't soon. I don't know what is going on in the land down under but I do know this: I miss you terribly. If I didn't know myself so well, I'd say I was in love with you...almost. ;) I just want to hear that everything is going well for you and that you've found the love of your life and that you're happy. Perhaps hearing about your happiness will deter me from thinking about my lack thereof.
I've been chatting recently with a sort of religious fellow; he goes to a college in texas, a Christian college of sorts. I find him most intriguing: his words to me being more than words, perhaps reflections of what I know to be true in my soul; true in my soul, yes, but not true in my world of reality - outside of my passionate self. Ha! I asked him if true love between a man and a woman really exists or if it's merely a runoff of fear of being alone? It is indeed human nature to want to be with someone else correct? At least, my thoughts configure it to be so. He said he does. I said I do not. He said to me, "Perhaps everyone is not capable of such love." Do you think that is true? Do you think certain people are only capable of loving in certain ways? I was watching this movie earlier this evening and a character, a noble gentleman I might add, said, "There are as many ways of loving as there are moments in time." If this is true, then perhaps I simply cannot fathom of a love between a man and a woman (and I do indeed mean love, true love...) and then because of that perhaps I am simply not capable of loving a man as I should love him. Or is it merely that I am selfish? For I want so badly to be loved by someone, but I in turn fear that I may not be able to compensate him in return. Reciprocation has always seemed to get the best of me at times.
I feel that with love, true or not, may come a certain power. This power is something I truly wish to hold over another - perhaps it is because I fell so hard for someone once already (thinking it to be love) that I merely cannot see past my own pain, hence revenge...? It is human nature after all, though by no means justifiable...
You were always so good at explaining love to me as it was/is to you; perhaps though, that is my problem: there is plenty of explanation but no experimentation.
*I miss you and write me soon*
Always,
Caitlin
Sometimes those most worthy of love are not made happy by it. ~Dangeous Liaisons
It is on the strength of observation that one finds a way; so we must dig and delve unceasingly. ~Claude Monet 1840-1926