October 31, 2004
I've decided to write to you through my diary because things seem to flow better when I'm writing an entry as opposed to an actual letter. I find my mind wandering to the better days of my life - and I can only recall meaningless, superficial conversations with people that today, I am not even close with. What do you think it means to be close to someone? Is it when you can finish someone's sentence for them or when you know their favorite movie? These things to me seem pointless and without real value - there is more to closeness than that isn't there?There is something I am desperately seeking that I fear I may never find - pure intoxication. I suppose I am as your friend you once spoke of. I only want ridiculously consuming love, intoxication, connections - whatever! Being rational and older than some of those I seem to be surrounded by, I realize that perhaps this is not the love I shall receive; not because it doesn't exist but maybe because I don't believe it exists. Yes! I want something so badly: something that I don't even believe in...
*Always.
Caitlin
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Sometimes those most worthy of love are not made happy by it. ~Dangeous Liaisons
It is on the strength of observation that one finds a way; so we must dig and delve unceasingly. ~Claude Monet 1840-1926