Today for the first time I allowed myself a few tears...my mom was on the phone calling the county clerk's office to inform them that my dad was almost a month behind on his child support. Right then, I felt like such a burden. I wonder what most kids feel like when they realize their one single parent is receiving payment on their behalf. In a way I kind of feel like I am being paid off - to quit being such a burden - AND I DON"T EVEN BURDEN HIM. The last time I saw him you ask? Probably three, maybe four years ago. I have never asked him for money or help in paying for college. But still I had this slight pain...I was cast-off; and I loved my dad so much when I was little. I honestly remember how my face used to light up and I would just laugh when I saw him or thought of him. Knowing that it makes me feel unfulfilled as a person...
But knowing what I also know - aside from that - I know that I will never be able to have the kind of relationship I want with my father and therefore I will choose to have no relationship at all.
In a way, it's sad to think that another man has been raising me, one who isn't my father. What's even more sad? My father probably doesn't care...
*Always.
Caitlin
Sometimes those most worthy of love are not made happy by it. ~Dangeous Liaisons
It is on the strength of observation that one finds a way; so we must dig and delve unceasingly. ~Claude Monet 1840-1926