How are you? I feel as though we've lost our connection; I think we're too caught up in the whole "us" theory of things. What do you think? Eh, it doesn't really bother me as long as we are still friends.
I thought I'd write to you and see how things were going; my other letter to you just went over so well I thought (it was the first time I had opened up in a long while - to someone that is, not just my diary).
I keep having these dreams; and they are the weirdest dreams, they're sex dreams but they're not. In the back of my mind I have slowly developed this fear of sex...it is from one particular incident...I won't say which but I'll tell you that mentally it was devastating for me. I fear that I may never want to be sexual with anyone ever again. And I also think that givent he chance that I tried, it wouldn't work out. Isn't that terrible? For the longest time (as I explained to a friend the other day) I was the "go-to-girl"...and I don't mean it to sound as brazen as it does. But I was the girl whom sex meant nothing to. It was simply sex - nothing more, nothing less. And now - I feel weak and overpowered by this idea that if do encounter sex again that I will fail at it...and something bad will happen.
It's hard to say when this fear started happening exactly...I mean I know what it happened from but I don't know when it truly started affecting me. Isn't it bizarre that at one time you can be something so bold and daring and then someday...you're not? I think it's rather cruel of nature, God and whomever else I can blame for my lacking capabilities. No, I don't blame God - not at all - I blame myself.
Since this happened, I don't feel worthy of male attention, sexy, beautiful...nothing. It's all disappeared. I always used to feel like the girl who was one of the first to be noticed at a good party or otherwise; now though? I am beginning to question if I was ever really that person.
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"Sex is. There is nothing more to be done about it. Sex builds no roads, writes no novels and sex certainly gives no meaning to anything in life but itself." ~ Gore Vidal
*Always.
Caitlin
Sometimes those most worthy of love are not made happy by it. ~Dangeous Liaisons
It is on the strength of observation that one finds a way; so we must dig and delve unceasingly. ~Claude Monet 1840-1926