Met with a friend. Had a good convo. But something came up, something I don't really talk about unless it's with people I know really, really well. You know the kind: the people who have seen you vomit, seen you cry, seen you make a damn fool out of yourself. The ones who know your deepest secrets and your darkest fears. Yeah, I don't talk much about one particular thing unless I know you THAT well.
So, really do I get offensive because I am afraid of other people's judgments or because I judge myself? And talking about it means I have to talk about something that makes me feel uncomfortable, even ashamed at times. I guess the way I look at it is there is such a thing as naïvety and it is more often experienced in our youth. I have made mistakes in my life - mistakes that I have hidden, paid for, and been burned by (badly). But I learned from those things that I did when I was younger. I guess when you are at a certain age in being young you aren't afraid of certain things, you don't look at the consequences. That's what I did. I didn't look to the future to see what part those things I once did might play.
I have regrets, I have doubts, and sometimes I even have fear about some of the things I have done. But I like to think I have grown from those things...I have become the person I am today because of them and there isn't anything I can do to take back mistakes I've made or wrongs I've committed. So, in truth, I may be flawed, stained by my once-upon-a-time frivolties but I am no longer the same woman who thought so little and acted so much.
Thank God for that.
*Always.
Caitlin
Sometimes those most worthy of love are not made happy by it. ~Dangeous Liaisons
It is on the strength of observation that one finds a way; so we must dig and delve unceasingly. ~Claude Monet 1840-1926