"-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-trans.dtd"> A Life Less Ordinary
A Life Less Ordinary A Life Less Ordinary
September 28, 2005
Lately, I find my mind wondering to the negativity I always seem to be expecting in my life. I never know when it will strike or where but I know it's there, it's dwelling around the next turn of my existence - sitting and waiting and watching. It's exhausting, I have to admit, to always be preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. And even though you always hope for the best, it turns out in the worst possible way right? So, there you go, expending all this energy on being positive and thinking in a positive manner when you get a negative outcome. Completely idiotic. Completely neurotic - or at least it makes sane people neurotic.

The most recent event in this *surprise*-shitty-scenario-for-your-life exstravaganza is my relationship with Brad. Yes, Brad I assume you will be reading this at one point and I am okay with that - maybe I can be clearer here than when I actually open my mouth to form words that somehow always come out botched and aloof sounding. Quite so. Anyway, I find that I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop - and not in a "Sex and the City" kind of way either. I am talking the drop-of-the-shoe shittiness just being equaled out by the other shoe of shitty intent. Does that make sense? I find I am constantly waiting for something bad; I honestly sometimes find myself contemplating "What will I do if..." And I tell you all that this thought process sickens me. But I can't stop it. I am always scared that Brad will think of a reason to not be with me; that he will realize what he is missing in not being single; what he sees in someone else that he doesn't see in me - something he desires; what I attempt to do is not good enough for him. I am scared of so many things. And these things cannot simply be subdued by my telling myself to realize that I shouldn't feel this way or that I shouldn't act this way. It's altogether - overwhelming.


*Always.
Caitlin

Wilted | Fresh


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Sometimes those most worthy of love are not made happy by it. ~Dangeous Liaisons
It is on the strength of observation that one finds a way; so we must dig and delve unceasingly. ~Claude Monet 1840-1926
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