I must confess to you, who are my strongest form of guidance, that I feel angered and hurt by someone who I have considered a friend. Friends tell each other things, do they not? Or is that my misapprehension? Have I deluded myself into thinking the wrong thing? Perhaps...but upon integrity itself, I feel that friendship is a sharing of oneself - the good and the bad.
This friend of mine has failed to tell me until very recently (actually only a few short hours ago, mind you) that she intends to move out at the end of this semester - I somehow feel betrayed, though it really should be of no concern to me. I feel like she is lying to me about something involving this plan of hers to move out. She wants to be an RA (accordingly to save a large amount of money) however, she informed that if she were turned down (her application denied) that she intended to get a single anyway, which to me doesn't seem to make much sense, since anyone who wants to be an RA obviously wants to save money, but then obtaining a single is more money anyhow. So I don't exactly see how these two things coincide? Does anyone else really?
I feel like she wants to move out because of me - which is all fine and dandy, but I just don't want to be lied to about it. It seems like she has overlooked a few things I have done for her in regards to her wants and needs though perhaps those particular things might have been opposite to my wants and needs. I was going to have a double-as-a-single myself this year, until she asked me if she could live with me (as she was going to take time off, but she decided she wanted to come back but wasn't really certain as to where she could live) - I said yes, because A) we get along and B) it is cheaper to live with a roommate on campus than by oneself.
I feel as though things have become quite askew in regards to her and I. I feel as though since this year has started that our relationship has done nothing but decline in quality. I don't feel it's really her fault or mine but that it is just something that has happened. And I am not entirely certain I want to rememdy this because for one, I am not even sure how I would go about fixing it in the first place.
At times, I feel like all along I have known our friendship would detangle and honestly, I feel that the only thing holding us together in any sort of bond is living together...what happens if she moves out?
There are certain other issues I wish to address involving this friend, but I do not feel that now is the appropriate time to do so. So, I shall leave the intrigue for next time...or perhaps there shall never be another mention of this issue, though I sincerely hope that is not the case...
*Always.
Caitlin
Sometimes those most worthy of love are not made happy by it. ~Dangeous Liaisons
It is on the strength of observation that one finds a way; so we must dig and delve unceasingly. ~Claude Monet 1840-1926