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Hey there.
I'm not sure why I'm writing you; I guess I feel like you're the only person
who understands the way I feel about certain things...maybe because you tend to
feel the same way I do - I don't know, but whatever the reason I find that
talking to you (or writing you rather) helps me. I've just been mulling over
some things in my head...nothing major: school, work, summer, my life...ha!
It's always something isn't it? I can't recall an actual time period in my life
(lasting longer than 10 minutes) where I was just okay, fine, or content. I got
my grades from school...a straight 2.0 (yes, I know that 2.0 puts me right at
the top of the dean's list!) Anyway, I just felt so unmotivated the last couple
weeks/months of school. Everything just felt...wrong. I think there was a time
in there where I just stepped back for a minute and thought to myself, "Is this
really it?" I look at the way things are going for me now and I just keep
thinking that nothing great will ever happen to me and that I, in turn, will
never create or cause anything great...kinda puts a damper on the ol' spirits
eh? Yeah, I know what you're thinkin' and I swear it isn't true...I am not
pitying myself...(I seriously doubt you were thinking that)...but I just feel
like writing these things in my diary is sometimes helpful but on the other
hand I need REAL feedback from REAL people...and I realized the other day that
your feedback is really the only feedback/advice that I care about or take to
heart. Why is that? - Who knows? I could be crazy for all I know...
And ever since I got home I just feel like crap around my mom...I mean, she
makes me feel like crap rather. It's like nothing is ever good enough for her
or something. And sometimes I just can't deal with the back and forth of her
emotions or actions/comments towards me...she is back and forth between being
cold and calous and warm and loving, and I honestly CAN'T take it anymore. I
wish she'd just be one or the other...it would be easier for me to adjust to. I
think she is the reason why being around family is not my ideal situation. I
really don't like being around my family anymore...and I thought that feeling
was supposed to stop once I grew into my late teens, but I suppose not...or I'm
just fucked up. What do you think?
I feel like I'm missing something...knowledge perhaps. Knowledge about what I
wanna do with my life; where I wanna go, etc. I hate NOT KNOWING - makes me
feel small and worthless. Do you ever feel that way or am I alone here? And
you! I don't know...I guess it's easy for me to talk to you because in my eyes
you always seemed to be so together...so evolved past worrying about the small,
irrelevant things in life that drive ME insane.
I know you might not wanna hear this part...but I have to tell you because I
think you of all people will understand. At the end of this school year I think
I was so very very close to falling in love with someone...that's never
happened to me before. It was the strangest thing ever. But at the same time it
was happening I hated the feeling because I knew that we weren't going to end
up together...God, that hurt so bad. For the first time it wasn't just sex to
me...and that was something I was good at...keeping myself closed off...keeping
it to just....sex. He changed that; he changed something in me and I hate him
for that! Do you think I'm wrong to hate him? Ever since him I just feel
completely...lost and grasping for something...and I don't even know what it is
that I am reaching for. And I miss him; but the thing is: I DON'T WANT TO MISS
HIM; I DON'T WANT TO CARE. I just want everything to be the same as it was
before him; before hurt...I've never felt so lonely Kade. Tell me: is this what
it feels like every time someone breaks your heart? And we only knew each other
for a few months...A FEW MONTHS??!?!?!?! It's insane.
I'm sorry to just spring this email on you...I did also write for another
purpose (other than me spilling my guts to you).I wanted to know how you are;
what you're doing? what you're thinking of these days? I miss our late night
convos so much; what happened there anyway? when did I start getting too busy
to care or take the time? I hate that...anyway, please write me back and let me
know how you are. I'd love to hear from you...I'd love to see you as well, but
I might have to wait a bit longer for that chance - which is ok. I just
remember you're in Ireland/Scotland (I can't recall which - forgive me)...but I
hope you are having a wonderful time and that you made it the best you
could! :) I'll talk to you later sweetie.
Always.
Caitlin
Sometimes those most worthy of love are not made happy by it. ~Dangeous Liaisons
It is on the strength of observation that one finds a way; so we must dig and delve unceasingly. ~Claude Monet 1840-1926